Utter Confusion

So I started this blog to explore my inner-most beliefs, to figure out how to express all these feelings inside me.  I try to watch Christian t.v. shows, occasionally get to hear my favorite Christian songs on KTIS, and research online different variables of Christianity.  I am a believer.  No doubt in my mind.  I am not afraid to die.  I just worry about those I will leave behind.

I am intrigued as to why religion pulls people apart when in reality it should pull us together.  Why is there so much hate in this world?  It has taken me years to realize that I don't hate anything.  I may dislike certain situations or things or particular people, but hate, no.  Hate sucks too much energy out of me.  I just want to be happy.  Content.  And to feel alive!   This is the REAL me...

It took me many years to figure out what my deal was.  I never even considered I could have "IT".  I didn't understand "IT" really.  I thought "IT" was just my personality to want to stay home all the time in my own little corner of the world.  And "want" isn't even the word for my feeling.  I actually yearned to be at home.  Alone, most times.  But home.  Away from people.  I am an introvert by DNA so crawling into my own world made me feel comfortable. But in reality, I was confusing my natural tendencies with Depression. 

So it has been a journey for me these last couple years.  I'm not sure how long I've battled depression,  maybe 5 years or so.  But this helps.  It helps get me out of the paranoia and my personal prison, and to live!