Over and back, That's a rule?

Have I crossed the line?  What is the line anyway, and how will I know I've crossed it?  Is there such a thing as "over and back" in life as there is in basketball?  Yeah.  YES!  
(I always tell my children to reply "yes" rather than "yeah".  Say it and think about it.)

There are a TON of lines:  good/evil; bitchy/sweet; honest/cagey... to name only a few.  We all cross the line. But, the difference is the lines we cross.  Some lines are mood-related, some are human nature like good vs. evil, and the remaining are sometimes choices. 
Inside my head right now I am hearing Johnny Cash's song "Walk the Line".  If you have never listened to this song before, go to YouTube right now and listen.  Seriously.
Interpretation.  Isn't that life everyday?  It's all interpretation.  I hear you and can interpret it totally different than what you intend.    Happens all the time when my husband opens his mouth to speak.  Yep.  It all comes down to interpretation. 

Spending Spree - I'm on a roll....

So I have a new job, or new career.  However you want to say it, ultimately I am earning more moola!  Yay!!  I am finally earning what I am worth...in my world.  It's been a week and a half and I have three days off with holiday pay.  How awesome  is that?  I say it's pretty awesome.  :0)

So now to my addiction to shopping.  I have been a very good girl up until I started earning more money.  I recently purchased some kick-ass stereo/home theater speakers, shoes, personal training sessions, and now I'm researching front-loading washing machines.  I don't need a dryer.  That is working fine.  But I am ready to part ways with the washer.  The price isn't that bad actually, $1000, for a brand-new Samsung model that has a PureCycle to clean itself!  How cool is that?!  Samsung 4.3 Cu. Ft. VRT Plus Front Load Washer -White. WF501ANW.  My personality prefers a bright, bold color.  Unfortunately, no such luck.  I'll have to add my own touch, I guess.

What is the greatest thing about the spending sprees lately you might ask?  My husband isn't saying a word!  I love it.  I can finally quit my transcribing side job and still be able to save for a family trip somewhere.  Well, maybe once in a while I will help her out if they are desperate for transcribers, but as of right now I am planning on retiring from that gig.

I also have a pair of shoes I am drooling over.  Well, more like two or three pairs but here is one of them... I just need to pull the credit card trigger.  One, green is one of my favorite colors.  Two, I love unique items.  Three, well who cares.  These are the cutest things evah!



 

In-Laws or Out-Laws? Either way, it's a Law

So how do you cope?

I thought it was a good relationship.  Boy was I wrong.  It's deteriorated over the years. But then again, it was never the lovey-dovey sort of gig anyway.  I don't get it.  I haven't done anything.  But you see, I'm not the one they wanted their son to marry.  Things have been said to me in an innocent sort of way, and things "not" done for me and my husband's kids.  How do I get past the pain and rejection I feel?  Even worse, I have a feeling the kids feel the rejection as well.  That is the most devastating thing.  How can a grandparent play favorites?  I cannot imagine doing such a thing.  I'm sure it's common but I don't really give a shit.

I grew up feeling loved.  And being the youngest of eight, love was hard to come by.  My parents didn't have time for all of us but I still felt loved. And my children are the youngest three of ten grandchildren and my mother has always treated the grandchildren equally.  I like that.  That's how I grew up. 

From what I have gathered, and from what my counselor has figured, the resentment towards me has nothing to do with me.  My M-I-L is stuck in the past.  30 years past.  Nice.  I've been in the picture for 23 years now.  Isn't that long enough to prove we love each other and want to spend the rest of our lives together?

I stood up for myself once and I am ready to do it again.  Bring. It. On. Mother-in-law.

What to believe?

According to modern day Christianity it's Lent.  I am on a personal journey right now.  Actually, I think I've always been on a personal journey.  I've never been comfortable with halloween or christmas, even as a child.  And as I'm finally admitting to myself of the conflict within, how do I know the "religion" I belong to is the church I should be listening to?  I am so confused. 

I don't see anything in the Bible about celebrating easter.  I see I'm supposed to celebrate passover, feast of tabernacles, etc., but not easter.  Don't get me wrong.  I believe in Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior.  I believe He died for my sins and rose from the dead.  But I cannot find dates.  I cannot find a birth date either.  I've been researching and have noticed easter and christmas are situated around pagan celebrations.  The same with all souls day.  Coincidence?   How can easter always fall on a Sunday?  The Bible teaches of many false religions and how reading the Bible and learning God's laws are up to each of us.

But yet I believe in saints.  I believe in the Blessed Mother.  I believe in sacraments.  I believe in the apostles. I believe in communion.  In fact, receiving communion gives me a warm feeling of renewal.  

If anything, I hope you research for yourself.  Read your Bible.  Research dates and pagan festivals.  Follow what the Bible instructs to celebrate and express it to your children.  You are your child's teacher.  You set the groundwork for their beliefs.  Most of all, follow your heart and follow your soul.  Pray for guidance.  Bless your children.  I do it every night before I tell them I love them


Eternal life.  It's what we all strive for.  Death?  We shouldn't fear it.

The spring equinox is one of the four great solar festivals of the year. Day and night are equal, poised and balanced, but about to tip over on the side of light. The spring equinox is sacred to dawn, youth, the morning star and the east. The Saxon goddess, Eostre (from whose name we get the direction East and the holiday Easter) is a dawn goddess, like Aurora and Eos. Just as the dawn is the time of new light, so the vernal equinox is the time of new life. Celebrating the Seasons: Winter Solstice Lore and Rituals by Selena Fox Winter Solstice also known as Yule, Christmas, and Saturnalia, occurs in mid December. It celebrates the birth of the new Solar year and the beginning of Winter. The Goddess manifests as the Great Mother and the God as the Sun Child. The God also appears as Santa Claus and Old Man Winter. Colors are Red, Green, and White. This is a festival of inner renewal. Strengthen bonds with family and friends by visiting and/or exchanging gifts and greetings. Decorate your home with lights, greens, and holiday colors. Bless your home with a Yule wreath on your front door and sprigs of mistletoe inside. If you are part of a group, take up a collection of food and/or clothing at your Yule gathering and give what you collected to a social service agency to distribute to the needy (for example, Circle's Yuletide Charity Food Drive).

Utter Confusion

So I started this blog to explore my inner-most beliefs, to figure out how to express all these feelings inside me.  I try to watch Christian t.v. shows, occasionally get to hear my favorite Christian songs on KTIS, and research online different variables of Christianity.  I am a believer.  No doubt in my mind.  I am not afraid to die.  I just worry about those I will leave behind.

I am intrigued as to why religion pulls people apart when in reality it should pull us together.  Why is there so much hate in this world?  It has taken me years to realize that I don't hate anything.  I may dislike certain situations or things or particular people, but hate, no.  Hate sucks too much energy out of me.  I just want to be happy.  Content.  And to feel alive!   This is the REAL me...

It took me many years to figure out what my deal was.  I never even considered I could have "IT".  I didn't understand "IT" really.  I thought "IT" was just my personality to want to stay home all the time in my own little corner of the world.  And "want" isn't even the word for my feeling.  I actually yearned to be at home.  Alone, most times.  But home.  Away from people.  I am an introvert by DNA so crawling into my own world made me feel comfortable. But in reality, I was confusing my natural tendencies with Depression. 

So it has been a journey for me these last couple years.  I'm not sure how long I've battled depression,  maybe 5 years or so.  But this helps.  It helps get me out of the paranoia and my personal prison, and to live!

 

What's Next?

Faith.... you are where you're meant to be.  
Faith.... you are with the person you're meant to be with.  
Faith.... everything happens for a reason.
Faith =  a : allegiance to duty or a person : loyalty b (1) : fidelity to one's promises (2) : sincerity of intentions

2a (1) : belief and trust in and loyalty to God (2) : belief in the traditional doctrines of a religion b (1) : firm belief in something for which there is no proof (2) : complete trust

3: something that is believed especially with strong conviction;  — on faith

: without question 

 

Where am I going?  Where have I been?  Faith kept me going.  Faith keeps me in.  I rose above the ashes.  I conquered even me.  The person I've become is the person I should be.   ~tvs

One second... One minute... One decision...

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  Jeremiah 29:11

Have you ever wondered what "would be" if there was one twist of difference at any moment of your life?  Running late to work, stopping quick at the gas station, taking the phone call before you start-off on your next errand, or even the moment of conception...  one-millisecond can be the difference between life and death, rags to riches, a tragic accident or no accident at all.  

Where does this universe fit in?  Am I really just busting my ass in some ant farm on an alien's desk?  Why?  Why am I here?  Why do I have the people in my life that I do?

I wonder about if I had conceived at any other time, I wouldn't have the EXACT children I do.  Wow...  too deep for my mind.  ~shudder~  My children are amazing and my heart aches thinking about it. 


Relax...  Don't worry so much!  Life happens with or without you.  Believe that everything happens for a reason, good or bad.  Have faith you are where you're meant to be, and if you feel you aren't, then you have the power to change it.  Believe!  Thoughts become words; words become actions; actions become destiny.  


"For I know the plans I have for you..."    Yep.  He does.  And He won't fail me.  I just have to Believe.